apple pie disorder

***a page from the play “Pie Pan”, now being adapted for the silver screen***

[a crowded kitchen.  B looks into an oven.  V prepares a burger.  D eats a piece of meat off a fork.  L & Z drink domestic beer.]

V:  “dude, take that fucking pie out man.  that looks perfect.  eat that shit.  put it in your mouth.”

L:  “i don’t want any part of this.  i’ll eat a piece of bread or something.”

B:  “no one touch that.  it is hot as hell.”

D:  “i didn’t even know you were such a savvy homemaker.”

V:  “he’s been slaving all fucking day.  for you, FOR YOU!”

Z:  “it’s not done yet, it’s not done yet.”

B:  “oh god yes it is.”

Z:  “is it?  then take it out.”

B:  “i’m trying.”

V: “what do you know about pies?”

Z:  “it’s my pie.”

V:  [unwrapping a kraft single] “what the fuck do you know about pies?”

Z:  “what the fuck do you know about cheese.  get that pie out of the fucking oven.”

V:  [under his breath, still unwrapping kraft single] “i’ll show you cheese.  [addressing audience] “follow the cheese, follow the cheese.  here–there”  [V shoves kraft single into Z's eye] “EAT IT!  EAT IT!”

[B drops apple pie onto floor of oven, destroying both pie and oven.  No one notices.]

L:  “put that cheese on the pie.”

V:  [still grinding kraft single into Z's eye socket] “what do you know about pies?  that’s what i know about cheese.”

Z:  [catching a glimpse of the broken pie, as B shuts the oven and stands in front of it.  peels cheese from eye, throws it at V.  turns to B.] “you ruined my apple fucking freedom.  ughhh.”

L:  “can i have a lone star please?”

Z:  “aghhh”  [V motions to audience to stop watching, making the 'cut' sign across the throat.  B remains silent, shaking his head.  Z tries to open the oven, which B holds shut.  Z grabs B on each side of the face, and leans in] “i just wanna, i just wanna let you know i think it’s funny.  i think it’s funny because it’s not my oven.”

V:  [tying to open oven] “get the fuck out of my way”  [V opens oven, lays eyes on the pie splatter for the first time]   “ohhh SHIT.  oh shit.  look at that.”

Z:  “look what just happened to my apple pie.  you have to help.  that’s my apple pie.  that’s my apple pie.”

V:  “oh fuck.  [inspecting the damage] oh fuck.”

Z:  “and you’re not leaving this kitchen.”

L:  [gasps] “oh my god.”

D:  “what the fuck happened?”

B:  “i’m going home.”

L:  “that’s so fucked up.”

B:  “i’ll see you guys later.”

V:  “you asshole!”  [throws crumpled up pie pan at B, hitting him in the face] “you son of a bitch!”

L:  “you’ve ruined everything tonight B.  seriously, you’ve ruined everything tonight.

B:  [being restrained by L,  B tries to exit kitchen as D takes photos of the pie splatter] “just cause–”  [inaudible babble]

L:  “you’ve ruined everything!”

[fade to black]

here is the above scene, from last week’s shoot, which leaked to the internet this morning: